


not the light, but fire

by aformofmotion



Series: lest your skin give you away [1]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Experimental Style, F/M, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-07-13
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-04-09 02:32:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,346
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4330455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aformofmotion/pseuds/aformofmotion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A brief history of Steve Rogers' relationships, as told though the medium of his skin.</p>
<p>A not!soulmates AU where people can feel love through their skin. Written in tumblrfic style.</p>
            </blockquote>





	not the light, but fire

**Author's Note:**

> “It is not light that we need, but fire; it is not the gentle shower, but thunder. We need the storm, the whirlwind, and the earthquake.”  
> ~Frederick Douglass

before the serum, steve's skin doesn't work, or, that is to say, it doesn't work  _correctly_. if the slightly dazed look bucky gives him before trying to kiss him senseless is any indication, it works just fine at  _transmitting_ love, it's just the recieving part that's not up to snuff. steve just accepts it as yet another way his body has failed him, like the asthma and the shitty immune system, he doesn't pay it much attention. bucky spends about a week rubbing balloons in his hair and all sorts of other ridiculous attempts at false substitutes before he gets it through his head that steve doesn't need any more proof than his word that bucky loves him back.

  
they say the serum should have fixed his skin. it's fixed everything else, after all. steve thinks he could take peggy's hand and know for certain, and he suddenly, desperately doesn't want to know. then he drags bucky and a bunch of other guys out of a warzone, and after the walk back and after the hours of debriefing, when they finally have a moment to themselves, bucky corners steve somewhere private and demands to know why steve's being so careful not to touch him. he's got eyes, he can see the way steve looks at carter, and if that's what it is, if steve's moved on, that's fine, he can deal with that, he just wants to know. and it takes a minute for the shock to wear off before steve tells him that "no, of course that's not- don't be ridiculous, buck. i mean, peggy's a nice girl but-" "the kind of girl you could see yourself marrying?" "sure" steve agrees, rolling his eyes "if i wasn't already stupid over you" and bucky accepts that with a nod like "okay, so then why are you treating me like i'm contageous?" and steve looks away and motions at his body and admits that he'd rather not know if the serum didn't fix him and bucky looks at him for a bit and then says "bullshit" very clearly and steve's head snaps back up like "excuse me?" "you heard me. that's such bullshit, steve. you've never been a coward before and you're picking a hell of a time to start, cuz after the week i've had i could sure use some of that built in tlc, you know?" and that's a challenge and a guilt trip all in one, bucky knows what the hell he's doing, and steve's expression softens and he reaches out and then jolts when bucky's fingers intertwine with his like "oh, wow" and bucky grins like "guess i don't have to say it anymore" and steve nods distractedly like "yeah. those balloons were a terrible imitation. this is amazing" and bucky doesn't say "i told you so" but it's a near thing.

  
bucky falls off a train and peggy takes his hand for comfort and looks confused and he knows for sure that he could have used her skin to learn his worked. he wants to tell her that the reason he isn't in love with her yet is that he couldn't be, because he was already in love with bucky and he loves too big to share, but if she just sticks around for a while it's all but inevitable that he'll fall for her next, he's nearly halfway there already. only it all feels crass to say aloud and the words feel too heavy on the tip of his tongue, so he keeps his thoughts to himself and peggy sticks around and occassionally holds his hand and doesn't flinch when he doesn't love her back yet, and that makes it easier, easy enough that he doesn't even notice it happening until one day he takes her hand and instead of looking disappointed she beams at him like the sun. they're going to be happy, he decides, and then he crashes a plane into the ocean and wakes up seventy five years later.

  
after that he doesn't have much time to think about his skin, not in that sense. he barely has time to adjust to the modern world before it needs saving. twice. bucky is dead and peggy has rightfully moved on, and that's the way it is, that's the hand he's been dealt. he accepts it the way he'd accepted the limitations of his body, way back when. way _way_ back when. he doesn't think he really misses the tingle of love on his skin, anyway.

  
it turns out bucky's alive. for a definition of _alive_ and also a definition of _bucky_. the winter soldier has bucky's face and bucky's body - except for the one arm - and maybe bucky's memories, or at least some of them, and he might have saved steve's life but he's recognisably not the same guy steve loved back in the forties. loved, past tense, because he's moved on. he's pretty sure he's moved on. he's fond of bucky, he wants to find him, wants him to get better, but he doesn't want _him_ anymore, not like he did.

  
he's starting to think he might he might want sam like that though, and that's a problem because sam's probably the best person he's met since he got off the ice and he's brought nothing but trouble into sam's life since the day after they met and they'll probably go their seperate ways after they find bucky, all of which adds up to: he knows he can't have sam but he also knows himself well enough to recognize a losing battle when he sees one, so he doesn't try to not fall in love with sam and focuses on damage control instead. he imagines little cartoon hearts floating around his head, calls himself six different kinds of fool, and starts working on a plan of attack, which is really a plan of avoidance. it's hard to avoid someone when you're practically living in each other's pockets, but he figures all he needs to do is create enough distance that it won't seem weird that he doesn't touch sam at all by the time his skin can five him away. sam keeps giving him looks like he knows something's up, but he lets steve get away with it, doesn't ask, doesn't push, and that, yeah, that actually doesn't help in the slightest. steve isn't stupid, he knows when he's doomed.

  
they find bucky, or maybe bucky finds them, it's not really clear and doesn't matter much. there's a lot of really intense staring, and then bucky lifts his flesh and blood hand and presses his palm flat against steve's and steve feels nothing but skin. and bucky nods and says "good" and immediately remands himself into natasha's custody, leaving steve and sam in a parking lot in maryland with nowhere to go but home, and after a minute sam asks "you okay, man?" and steve thinks about it and decides that yeah, he is, so he nods like "more okay than i thought i'd be. bit anti-climactic" and sam nods like "i expected way more dramatics than... whatever the hell that was" and before steve realises what he's doing sam puts a hand on his arm and okay, steve might be a _little_ stupid, cos he feels the tingle down to his toes and he stares at the place sam's hand rests on his skin and then looks up at his face and sam cocks and eyebrow at him like a dare and that's all it takes, his heart flips over in his chest and sam lets out a low whistle like "damn, cap, you don't do anything halfway, do you?" but he's grinning like he's not going to deny that feeling the moment steve fell in love with him is one of the coolest things to ever happen to him, maybe up there with getting his wings, so steve shrugs like "never really saw the point. go big or go home, right?" and sam squints at him like "does that mean we're not going back to dc?"  



End file.
